Wednesday, May 1, 2013

So...My Daily Battle

Do you ever have those days when you feel like everything you're trying to do just isn't working? That all the efforts you make and all the energy spent is not amounting to the results you were hoping for?

Do you ever have those days when you wonder what kind of person you really are? Are you ever affected by some one's quick assessment and evaluation of you so deeply that it makes you wonder if they are right?

Do you ever have those days when you feel like you're on the sidelines of your own life? Like you're not sure how much control you really have over your day or how you react to it?

Have you ever been worried that you'll never be able to conquer the struggles you face day in and day out? That one day those struggles may actually overtake you?

Do you ever wonder if all your flaws really do outweigh your strengths? And if the negative things people think or say about you really are true?

Or the ones when you feel like you can't do anything right?
Do you ever have those?

I do.
For me it's a daily battle.
One that I've been fighting for years and slowly...very slowly...winning.
I think :) 
I hope!

At least one or more of these feelings are always with me.
They creep in my thoughts throughout my day and try to find a nook or cranny to hang out in.
Sometimes they immediately get turned away.
Sometimes they slide beneath the radar.
Sometimes they ram down the door and I feel defenseless.

Some days they are very close to the surface.
Some days they are not.
Some days I fight a good fight.
Some days I get tired of the fight and feel defeated.
Some days I am able to keep a good perspective.
Most days I just try not to think about it.
I seem to do best when I don't think about myself at all.

I don't know if it's something most people struggle with or not.
Some days I tell myself it's normal.
Some days I tell myself I'm crazy.

I have learned a lot in the past few years about this side of me, and I am continuing to learn.
It is not something I particularly like about myself and therefore not something I like to share much in detail with others.
Honestly, it's kind of embarrassing. 
It's kind of like the opposite from who and what I want to be.

I really just want to be happy, uplifting, helpful, optimistic, positive, and confident.
My guess is that that is how most people view me.
But the reality is that this battle has been going on inside me for quite some time now and I am just plain sick of it. 
I'm so ready to be done.
I want to spend the time and energy I exert on this issue to serve and uplift someone else.
Most days I do a pretty good job at managing this, but sometimes I don't have much left to give.

I'm learning how to cope with this struggle of mine and how to fight these battles in my mind effectively. 
I'm learning to communicate with and rely on my husband and trust him more deeply.
I'm learning what helps, what doesn't, what triggers it, and what heals it. 
I'm learning that sometimes talking helps, but sometimes it doesn't. 
I'm learning (or trying) to be confident in my decisions and to not feel guilty for saying "no."
I'm learning that it's ok to walk away from people and situations that make fighting this battle more difficult for me to bear.
I'm learning to let go of my pride, to accept this as one of my weaknesses/struggles, and to have patience with myself and my shortcomings.
It's not always easy, but I am trying and I am learning.
It is ok that I don't handle this perfectly.  Sometimes battles are messy.

I have to be careful about addressing this issue in a productive way, not a destructive way. 
Because it is so easy to go down the self-destructive route, since that's the root issue in the first place.
What is my problem?  Why do I feel this way?  What is wrong with me??? etc. etc. etc.

I do believe that "fake it 'til you make it" really can work, but it takes a lot of faith to trust that I can make it.  There will be a point when I have to believe that I no longer am faking it - that my efforts are actually who I am.

I have found that wallowing doesn't do me much good.
The more I leave behind the negative, the less negative I'll carry around with me.

And it always feels better to uplift someone else than to dwell on my own problems.

Lately I've found it helpful to regain perspective by trying to decipher between what is real and what I feel.   
They are not always the same.
Some times that doesn't make sense to me and I get really frustrated and confused.
How can what I feel not be real?
If something is real, then how come I can't feel it?
It is ridiculous how easily I can get caught in a whirlwind of my own negative, confusing thoughts.
And it can take me a while to get my footing again.

The best way for me to regain perspective on what is real, is taking a few minutes to think about all of the amazing blessings I have in my life and all the things I'm thankful for.
It is really difficult to entertain any negativity when my mind and heart are full of gratitude.

Here are few things I feel that I know are real::
I am so thankful for people in my life that see the good that I don't always see in myself.
I am so thankful for unconditional love that I feel, even though it doesn't always make sense to me.
I am so thankful for people that forgive me and are patient with me.
I am so thankful for my testimony in my Savior, Jesus Christ.
I am so thankful for this opportunity I have to truly learn how to trust in Him and apply the Atonement in my daily life. 
Because I cannot do it alone.
I am so thankful for my dear, sweet, amazing husband.
I don't know what I would do without him.
He is the best decision I ever made.
And I am so thankful for our children, that love me no matter what and motivate me to conquer this battle - for my sake, but more importantly for theirs.
I want more than anything to give them the gift of confidence.
And to enjoy that confidence myself.
I am trying to be what I want them to be.

Remembering and holding on to the things I am most thankful for is usually the best way to regain my footing and perspective. 
Because I really have so much to be thankful for - so many things that bring so much joy in my life.
I don't really need to be wasting any time feeling discouraged, frustrated, or unworthy of this wonderful life I live. 
I can choose to spend my time feeling thankful and choose to enjoy it.

Like exercising my body, I know it will take time and hard work to get to where I want to be and stay there.
I have been and I have come a long way. may also like::
::So...Hope is a wonderful thing.
::So...The Drama i'm so done.
::So...A Sunrise the beginning of a new day.

Thanks for stopping by!