So...Things I'm Learning Through Motherhood::02

02::I am the mother.

I know this may sound silly, but this one took me a while to realize. In fact, I remember a specific moment when I was pregnant with Third Daughter {that's right, it took me a couple kids to figure this one out} while I was standing in the kitchen it hit me - "I am the mother of this family." And the thought was liberating.

I became a mother very young. {I was married at 20, mother at 21, two kids at 23, and three at 25} I was still trying to figure who I was, who I wanted to be, and how to be a grown up. I went from being a teenager - going to school, working, playing lacrosse, dating, having fun - to giving that all up and being a responsible, mature adult in a matter of months. It was a lot to take in and a lot to figure out. In fact, I'm still figuring that out.

Going through an identity crisis, or whatever you want to call it, while being a mother is not ideal. As a mother, you have little ones that rely on you. They rely on you to be consistent, reliable, supportive, secure; their leader. If I'm feeling insecure about who I am, imagine how they must feel.

But the good that came from being a mother while going through this soul-searching process, is the motivation they gave me to be better and to figure it out. The fact that they relied on me and looked up to me, gave me only one probable outcome - I needed to buck up, figure things out, and be what they needed me to be. And I wanted to be that.

As mother of this family, I need to know who I am, where I'm going, and what I'm teaching my children. I need {and want} to be very deliberate with my choices. There’s too much at stake for me to be wishy-washy.

There is much power in motherhood. A power that I needn’t ever take for granted. I have an incredible amount of power to do good and the same amount of power to do harm. Whether my kids realize or admit it, I am their world right now. I am who they look to to learn about life, about themselves, about right and wrong. There’s not a lot of room for slacking.

With power comes great responsibility. Now, I don’t always feel like I want this responsibility. There definitely are moments, or days, when I feel like it’s more than I can handle; my kids bug me; I don’t feel like being patient; or mature; I’m tired; I want everyone to leave me alone. But realizing that “I am the mother” puts into perspective how I need to be expressing those feelings and how I need to be handling those feelings.

How will my child feel when her mother tells her to leave her alone? How will she feel when her mother tells her she’s driving her nuts? How will she feel when her mother whines and cries about not being happy or not being able to do something she wants to do? I imagine she will feel devastated.

Am I perfect? Of course not. Will every mistake I make be detrimental? I hope not.

Like everything, I am working on keeping this perspective while interacting with my children.

I need to be the mother of this family.
I want to be.
I feel honored to be.
And I want to be a mother my kids are proud of.



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Thanks for stopping by!