Wednesday, August 25, 2010

So...complete

Tonight I dusted off the violin case, pulled out an even dustier piece of my most favorite music, and put bow to string, fingers to fingerboard, and played - I mean really played - for the first time in a long time. And it felt so good.

It reminded me a lot of this experience two years of picking up my lacrosse stick after two years of it being in the closet. I felt alive. I felt strong. I felt completely in my element and in a strange way, whole again.

There is one thing in this world that I feel like I was born to do. That is to play lacrosse. I know, it sounds shallow, silly, juvenile, and completely unrealistic. In a way it is. It's unrealistic. Being so involved and immersed in lacrosse, the way that I want to be and feel like I need to be, does not mesh well with the family life I want to live and the mother that I want to be. That is the reason I gave up that dream years ago, turned the other direction, and moved forward.

I know it sounds sad and tragic, but luckily I have found that I can reach a similar - not exact, but similar - feeling through running and physical fitness. Somehow I feel like I was made to be able to push my body to its limit. I don't know how else to describe it. Everything about it just feels right. I am 100% happier, 100% me, when I am physically fit. That is what motivates me to keep it up.

Ok, so back to the violin thing.
What in the world does physical fitness have to do with my playing the violin tonight?
Well, I'll tell ya -

Lately I also feel like I was made to be musical.
I have recently realized that I have a very unique gift of music living inside me.

Now, I have always known that music was one of my talents. I have always been musical. I have played violin virtually my whole life and even studied music/violin at BYU (much to my surprise) for my undergraduate degree. I currently teach violin and piano lessons and music is still very much a part of my life. I have a talent for music. I know that. I have been told that. That much has already been established.

But, honestly, I have never felt music to be as much a part of me as I have felt athletics, especially lacrosse, to be a part of me. I knew that I excelled in music. I chose to continue to pursue music in my life, mostly because it fit well. Lately, I've realized that it fits more than well. I think I was born to play.

Tonight I picked up my violin and played.
Really played.
I felt complete.
I felt strong.
I felt connected to my instrument in a way I haven't felt in years.
Maybe I haven't felt it ever.

Music is something different to me now. Outside of the competition of auditions, the constant evaluation of taking formal lessons and literally having my grade depend on how well I played, I finally feel like a musician. I feel free to just play. And it feels incredible. Tonight I was able to pick up Mendelssohn's Violin Concerto, which I haven't played in over 10 years, and play it better than ever. My fingers slipped up and down the fingerboard like they knew exactly where each note was. My bow felt strong and controlled. I felt the music, and it came out. I was overwhelmed by the experience and the precious gift of music that I have been given. After I finished I just sat, violin in hand, stared at the music, and breathed. I breathed it all in. And everything about it felt right.

I felt complete.
I felt alive.
I felt grateful.

3 comments:

marykaye said...

nicely said. you have mad skills girly...must be nice:)

{Staci} said...

I have a special place in my heart for the Mendelssohn.

I loved reading this post.

Smooth Sailing said...

Gave me chills reading this post. As I was just looking at my poor cello hanging sadly on the wall. Just when I was feeling connected to my stringed instrument (like only strings seem to do) we moved. You are the best teacher I have ever had...as well as such an inspirational monther! I'm feeling very unaccomplished reading your darling blog! Miss you...and little "violinalin"!