Sunday, January 3, 2010

So...weighing heavily on my mind

Tonight I am kept awake by some things weighing heavily on my mind. Usually I would pull my covers up a little higher, close my eyes a little tighter, and wish a little harder that sleep would come and a new day would wash away my worries. But not tonight. Tonight things are different.

I have been trying to make a lot of things right for a lot of years. I have been trying to put the pieces back together and find myself after years of not caring about consequences and letting everything that makes one a good person shatter. At first I turned my back and walked away, hoping to forget and move on. That worked for a while, but now it is becoming more and more obvious that certain things need to be mended and healed before I can take any more steps forward. I have been trying to make things right with people in my life that I have hurt and wronged. This process is turning out to be harder than I had anticipated – mostly because I am reliving, re-feeling, and remembering a lot of things about my past that are shameful and embarrassing to me. I lied to myself for a lot of years. Realizing who I actually was makes me feel sick to my stomach and is very unsettling.

Thank goodness for repentance and thank goodness for forgiveness.
I have hope because I know I can make things right.
I thank my God for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the goodness in people able to forgive.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
as weak and very imperfect as I am.


MommyMert said...

This was very raw, in a good way. I admire you for going forward and trying to heal the past. It takes a strong person, and I think you are one. The older I get the more I realize how imperfect we all are. I am grateful for good people in my life to help me become a better person. :) ps. I loved living in the condos too. ;)Love that pic of Katie.

Ginger said...

Now this is good writing. Plus, i can totally relate. Big hug...