Wednesday, September 11, 2013

So...One Month

Son #2 - 1 month old
Son #2 turned one month old two weeks ago.
Ya - it takes me about that long to do something I think about doing these days.
On August 30th I sent Husband a text:
Me: Son #2 is one month old today.
Husband:  Happy insignificant milestones buddy!
Me: I think it's more a celebration that we made it one month, not that he did :)
Husband: Lol
And that totally feels true.
We made it.   And we're still alive :)
A common question these days is "how are you surviving?"  Surviving.  That is a very appropriate description of what is going on over here most of the time.  After sleepless nights and busy mornings getting kids off to school, we spend a lot of the day just trying to keep Son #1 from seriously injuring himself or drinking from the toilet while trying to nurse Son #2 and clean up everything Son #1 has dumped on the floor over and over again.  It has been six weeks and the sleep deprivation has caught up with us.  But there's no time to really think about that because whether we feel rested or not these five little ones, who have an endless amount of energy, need us to feed them, bathe them, dress them, play with them, support them in all their activities, and somehow have one-on-one time with each of them.  There really isn't time to stop and think about catching up on sleep.

Life feels to be moving at a pace faster than I believe we can maintain.  Most of the time I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water.  I feel inadequate and extremely under qualified for this role I fill and it all just feels like too much.  I'm not quite sure how to manage all these kids and take care of the house and still participate at church, be a friend, connect with Husband, get bills sent out on time, take a shower, cook meals, and shop for groceries.  The newborn phase always hits me like a semi-truck and I'm picking myself up and pulling myself through each day until life starts to feel doable again.

When I think about it all, it is quite overwhelming. 
The trick, I have found, is to not think about it all. 
Just think about today.  Or right now.  Or one thing.
Keeping doing what I gotta do and let go of the things that haven't yet gotten done. 
That is how we're surviving.  Along with a lot of caffeinated soda :)

And we just have to laugh at it all - cause if we don't laugh, we probably will cry :)

But in all seriousness - our life feels so hard right now but it feels so wonderful. 

Like running next to someone just barely faster than me, it feels good and exciting to be pushing myself and keeping up.  I'm not quite confidant that I'll be able to stay on my feet, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other, keep breathing in and out, and I eventually realize I am doing something I didn't think I could do.  That's a pretty awesome feeling.
I'm working hard to keep my head above water, but I am in fact above the water.  I can't exhaust myself thinking about how hard things are, I need to use that energy to keep swimming.  There are many difficult moments - moment when I feel like I'm drowning, hyperventilating, and I'm never going to catch my breath.  And then there are moments that feel so natural and comfortable - a glimpse at the possibility that we may actually figure this out someday and life could feel normal again.  Those moments are what I focus on, what I reach for, and what keeps me going.  They feel like a confirmation that we're doing OK, even when things feel so hard.
I feel inadequate, incapable, and under qualified - yes I do - but those feelings are a blessing.  They provide a huge opportunity for Husband and I to rely on the Lord and to grow closer to Him.  I am learning so much about how to do that.  I know the Lord pushes us, stretches us, and challenges us so we can learn, grow, and progress.  Even though there are times when I feel like being a mother to these five little ones is more than I can handle, I know that it is the plan for Husband and I to raise this family together and experience all the challenges and joys that come along with that. 
Our life right now is so hard and it is so wonderful.   
For some reason, these five babies have been placed in our family and I am so humbled and so thankful that they were.  I try everyday to be what they need me to be and to be a little better than the day before.  I know I mess up and fall short a lot, but I love trying and giving everything for these sweet kiddos.  It really is my favorite thing and there's nothing I'd rather be doing.

We have made it through the first month and some - with only a couple minor melt downs and a few stitches and bruises to show for it :)

Now on to the next one.
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The Yuan Fam said...

Love you sister!

Autumn said...

So well said. Now that I'm almost to month 5, Im finally feeling like I can do this 5 kids two young babies thing! You are doing awesome. I admire you so so much.