Sunday, September 30, 2012
So...I Can Hardly Stand It
I nursed Son for the last time the other night.
We've been weening for a couple weeks and had gone days without nursing at all, but my body still didn't feel completely empty and it was making me a little nervous and physically uncomfortable.
So late Friday night, I crept into Son's room and gently lifted him from his crib. I sat in the Big Blue Chair like I have hundreds of times before, and cuddled my baby close. I slowly brought him to me, encouraging him to latch on one more time. He awoke in a daze and was confused by what was going on. He hadn't nursed in days, but based on his reaction it could have been years. Eventually he remembered what to do and he snuggled in close while he nursed. For the last time.
It was a bitter sweet moment. I rubbed his blond fuzzy head and held his warm squishy thighs. His tiny hand and fingers reached up to my face, grabbed onto my shirt, and found their way wrapped around my index finger. I brushed my thumb across the back of him hand while I held on. My heart was full as my hand passed over his head, back, legs, and arms. I wanted to remember every little thing about the feeling of feeding and snuggling my baby boy. Doing what only I could do for him. What I was made to do for him.
These precious moments come and go so quickly.
And I'm not sure I'm ready when they go.
But I am grateful for the tender memories.
I am grateful to have had that one last moment with Son - and that I knew it was the last - so I could soak it in and etch it in my mind and heart forever.
It is such an incredible gift to be mama to this sweet baby.
I love everything about him and every moment I have with him.
I don't ever want to regret having not snuggled him a little closer, kissed him a little more, or held him a little longer.
He is so very scrumptious.
He is so very precious.
And I love him so much I can hardly stand it.