Ok, those of you who actually read this blog -
I need your help.
I'm looking for some HONEST feedback on some poems I'm submitting for the Poetic Asides Chapbook Challenge. I really don't know what I'm doing when it comes to writing and poetry, but as you know (if you read this blog) I try. I don't think I have any chance at winning this challenge, but I think this collection of poems is worth working on and improving for my own sake and of course, for posterity. :)
You can leave comments, corrections, criticisms, boo's, in the comments section, or you can send me an email if you'd rather. I'm looking any kind of feedback, about any aspect of the poem. I am not fishing for compliments. I want the cold, hard, honest, truth. Titles are also being worked on, so any suggestions there would be helpful too.
Here's number one:
Creeping and Diving
[Possible Alternate Title: Acclimation]
Toe to test.
Foot takes
first step.
Two feet.
Now I’m in.
One by one.
Cold creeps
up above
my knee.
On tip toes
to escape
the cold.
Look up.
Hold onto
the air
I fear
to lose.
No longer
can I stand
the upward
creeping cold.
Body dives
and before
I think,
I’m in.
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4 comments:
I like it, but I also don't know much about poetry... For example, how do you know when to start a new line? But I think this one is clever and it took me right to a cold pool or other body of water while I read it.
I agree with Julie. I felt like I was experience those feeling right along with you. Although, where you have creeps rhyming with knee, maybe knees would work better?
I don't really know anything about poetry either. I'm just learning. But I think there are lots of liberties you can take - like any art, you can do what you want with it. I know how you break up phrases and lines effects how one reads the poem. It's like adding rests in music, or phrasing. I think. ;)
I enjoy reading your poetry.
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